my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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