I cannot find my penis.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
