had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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