I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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