We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
