Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
