You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
