I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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