apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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