He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
