bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
