Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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