I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
