Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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