Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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