My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
