he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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