Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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