Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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