never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
