he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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