i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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