so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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