just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
