Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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