I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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