Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
