Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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