i just had sex bonerless
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
