Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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