3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm gonna have a badass scar
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
