I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
