she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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