I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
