11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
