I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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