i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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