this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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