I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
