the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i dont even know how to be here
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
