Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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