The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
