Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You don't make any sense
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