All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
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