It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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