Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
