Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
