for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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