Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
