Will you blow on my dice?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
My ass is underappreciated
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
