Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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