the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
