I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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